tammyshaw@bright-beginnings.net

Shaw Christian Academy
Where Faith and Knowledge Unite

My Testimony

   I was the oldest child of three, and grew up in a loving, happy family in northern Indiana.  We attended church nearly every Sunday for as long as I can remember.  I grew up believing in God and Jesus.  But something was missing in my life, though I didn’t recognize it at the time.  Beginning in my teen years it seemed I needed to be in a relationship to feel whole.  During high school I had a couple of long-term “serious” relationships that ultimately ended, leaving me feeling alone and empty.  Immediately after college I got married – unfortunately it was for all the wrong reasons.  When my marriage ended after just four years, I went on to discover the “thrill” of relationships with needy men.  Finally I felt that sense of fulfillment that I had always longed for!  These men not only loved me, they needed me – which gave me a great sense of security.  So though I professed to be – and truly believed that I was – a Christian, I pretty much did what felt “right” to me.  Through the years I had developed my own moral compass – which gradually began to weaken through a series of compromises.  So my 20’s were filled with satisfying, yet somewhat rocky relationships that ultimately turned bad in one way or another.

   Then, as I approached the age of thirty I met the man of my dreams!  Aaron was a Vietnam veteran who I knew from the VA hospital in Tacoma, WA where I was working. He was kind, loving, sensitive – and sad.  His two years in combat took a toll on him emotionally and spiritually – so he constantly battled a debilitating sort of depression common to those with PTSD – post traumatic stress disorder.  Aaron and I fell in love and I was sure that if I just loved him enough – his depression would simply vanish.   We were very happy and began planning our future together.  Soon Aaron and I got married, and although I was on birth control pills, I quickly became pregnant with my first child.  We had been talking about starting a family “soon” so we were surprised but delighted to be becoming parents!  I remember we would lie in bed at night and listen to the song “Unborn Heart” by Dan Hill.  Here are some of the lyrics:

“When she told me
She was gonna have a baby
A part of me went weightless
For the first time in my life
There was nothing I could say
It’s like a miracle from the stars above
Paralyzed with fear
I was over come with love.

She said soon you’ll hear the beating
Of an unborn heart
This is the answer
You’ve been searching for so hard
And for the first time in my life I felt
The wave of love so deep
As I listened for the unborn child’s heartbeat.”

Life was beautiful!

    Aaron’s background was similar to mine in that we were both brought up in church, but never had a personal relationship with Christ, so it was easy to walk away.  Like me, he too had turned away from God numerous times in the past.  But while I was pregnant, I remember him saying to me “I’m glad that you want to start going to church again, because that is something that has become very important to me lately…”  We took classes and became members of White River Presbyterian Church in Auburn, WA during the summer of 1989,

    Then in September of 1989 the long-awaited day had come - our precious Brittany was born!  She was such a joy to both of us – and she very quickly became “daddy’s little girl”.  For 6 glorious weeks I was on top of the world!  I seemed to have everything I had ever wanted – a husband who both loved and needed me as well as a beautiful, healthy baby girl.   I had so much to thank God for!

    Then late in the afternoon on November 7^th all that changed.  I found Aaron unconscious upstairs and called 911.    The paramedics came in what seemed like an eternity, and I followed behind as they rushed him to the hospital after our neighbors graciously offered to take care of 6- week old Brittany.  Nothing felt real when I first arrived at the hospital…what was I doing there?  Surely Aaron was going to be OK… God wouldn’t give me the perfect man and then take him away so soon!  He must know I couldn’t live without him now…especially being a new mom and all.

    Soon, though, reality began to set in.  Aaron’s heart had apparently stopped for a period of time, possibly due to a rare complication of a new antidepressant medication he had been taking.  Apparently he was brain-dead.  His heart was still functioning, but his brain – I was told - was not.  I stayed by his bedside for 3 days and 3 nights, hoping for a miracle.  I prayed, I bargained with God, I hoped and I cried as I held his limp hand and kissed his silent face for the last time.  There was no miracle.  The doctors convinced me there was no hope either, so three days after he arrived he was taken off life support.  During the 30 minutes before death snatched him away from me I laid with him and through my tears cried “Go to Jesus, my sweet Aaron…go be with Jesus…” 

***

    I left the hospital that night with a broken heart and a shattered soul.  A huge part of me died that night, too – and the other part of me wanted to die.  The early days of mourning were full of questions for God – “Why?  Why did you give me what I had always wanted and then take it away??”  Starting the night he died I began reading the book “When Bad Things Happen To Good People” by Harold Kushner.  I’m not even sure why I owned the book, but it was there when I needed it.  So I read it over and over again, trying to make some sense of what happened.

    Next I went on a quest to learn all I could about heaven.  I had just sent my beloved husband there and was fixated on discovering what it was all about.  I read every book I could find on the subject.  I would listen to “heavenly” music and then try to picture Aaron there – thinking of me and his beautiful baby daughter.  Soon I began to like the sound of heaven so much that I prayed for God to take me there so I could be re-united with Aaron.  At one point I even considered taking my own life – but there was our precious Brittany to think of…and I knew Aaron would never want me to abandon his beautiful girl.

   One of my major struggles was that fact that I never was able to give Aaron a proper goodbye – or receive one – because his death was so sudden.  I went to every grief support group that I could find, as well as individual counseling.  Nothing could take away the pain, but just being able to talk about Aaron was a comfort for me.  Despite the counseling, I quickly slid into the role of the grieving widow – I cried almost all the time; I lost 30 pounds in 6 weeks because I was never hungry (wish I had that problem now!); I didn’t socialize at all and stayed holed up in my darkened home as often as I could; I wore dark, unflattering clothes; I filled my home with photos of Aaron and wrote down every memory I had of our time together so that I wouldn’t forget a single thing about him. And sadly, I wouldn’t allow myself to ever be happy, smile or laugh because I felt that would minimize the love I had for Aaron.  Life was pretty much just survival, as the past was all that I had to live for.

   Then six months to the day after Aaron died I became so lightheaded while driving home from work that I had to pull off to the side of the road.  This began to happen more and more frequently and increased in its severity.  I finally went to see my doctor and he diagnosed me with Panic Disorder and Major Depression and put me on medication.  The meds helped a little but it was still a daily struggle – just one more reason to be miserable.  So I was working, paying the bills, caring for Brittany – and crying myself to sleep at night.  Then one day, for the first time in my life, I began listening to Christian radio – and it seemed to give me a peace and comfort like nothing else could.  One of my favorite songs was:

“Another Time, Another Place” by Sandi Patty

“I’ve always heard there is a land
Beyond the mortal dreams of man
Where every tear will be left behind
But it must be in another time.
So I’m waiting
For another time and another place
Where all my hopes and dreams will be captured with one look at Jesus’ face
Oh, my heart’s been burning, my soul keeps yearning
Sometimes I can’t hardly wait for that sweet, sweet someday
When I’ll be swept away
To another time and another place.”

   And then there were the hymns Aaron and I had sung together at church that became more and more meaningful as time went on like “How Great Thou Art” and “Great is Thy Faithfulness”.  Those choruses gave me hope as I began to perceive a tiny flicker of light in the blackness of my wounded soul.  One day I found a little verse on a calendar that became my inspiration: “When you have nothing left but God, you realize that God is enough.”  The more I contemplated and lived these words, the more real they became to me.  At about this same time I began hearing a voice inside of my head saying “everything is going to be alright…”  It was annoying to me at first because it made absolutely no sense – those certainly weren’t my thoughts!  Although I did my best to ignore it, the voice persisted for many months. 

    Gradually my faith began to grow, which laid a foundation for developing the personal relationship with Christ that I have today.   Looking back, God’s sovereignty is written all over these events.  First of all – what was the chance of me getting pregnant while faithfully taking the pill?  God knew that I would need my precious Brittany to give me a reason to go on.  If we would’ve waited till the “time was right” like we planned – most likely I would’ve been alone.   Then there was the fact that it was only by His grace that I turned to God rather than away from him during my time of trial.  Next – Aaron’s recommitment to the church.  The Lord burdened him with that desire at that point in his life for my benefit…so I would be assured of his salvation and have a hope.  And finally there was the encouragement of the Holy Spirit.  I may not have recognized His voice at the time, but His words gave me a hope deep within…   God is so good!

***

 Now, some lessons I have learned through all of this:

Leviticus 19:4 says “Do not turn to idols or make for yourselves molten gods; I am the LORD your God.”    Scripture warns us over and over again against idol worship.  It wasn’t until I began to “idolize” Christ instead of Aaron that I really began to heal.

II Corinthians 1:3,4 says “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”  According to this scripture, the Lord has given me a gift and a responsibility to comfort those who have been afflicted in the same way that I have.  Shortly after Aaron died, I was given the opportunity to minister to a non-believer.  I - although unwittingly - planted the seeds that by God’s grace and mercy brought another young widow into the Kingdom of God!  I continue to pray that the Lord will use me to comfort others in the way that He Himself comforted me. 

Psalm 119:67 says “Before I was afflicted I went astray, But now I keep Your word,” How true that was for me!   For me, it took a traumatic loss before I would turn my eyes toward Jesus.  I suppose it was easy to walk away from Him before I knew Him and loved Him.  Now, my obedience is a natural outgrowth of the love I have for my Lord and Savior. 

   Through the years, that love and obedience has afforded me many blessings.  In June of 1994 the Lord gave Brittany and I a second chance at happiness when Doug became my husband and Brittany’s “daddy”.  Since then it seems that the Lord has blessed me over and over again for my growing faithfulness.  Besides giving me a new family, He released me from my codependency and eventually from the panic attacks.  He has given me a tender-hearted biological son, Matthew, and two precious little boys, Samuel and David, that we adopted from Russia in 2004.

   My life is full now with all that the Lord has given me.  Jesus now occupies the empty space in my heart, and my faith continues to grow with each passing year.  I’d like to end with another song that I only recently discovered, although ironically it was recorded and released in 1989.  It is called “Where There Is Faith” by 4Him:

“I believe in faithfulness
I believe in giving of myself for someone else
I believe in peace and love
I believe in honesty and trust but it’s not enough
For all that I believe may never change the way it is
Unless I believe Jesus lives

Where there is faith
There is a voice calling, keep walking
You’re not alone in this world
Where there is faith
There is a peace like a child sleeping
Hope everlasting in He who is able to
Bear every burden, to heal every hurt in my heart.
It is a wonderful, powerful place
Where there is faith”

   The part that touches me most is “where there is faith there is a voice calling, keep walking – you’re not alone in this world.”  I’ve heard the Voice of the Comforter – I know that He’s real!  And by the grace of God this beautiful Spirit lives within each of us as believers – gently giving us whatever we may need – even if we don’t realize we need it!  Then there is “where there is faith there is a peace like a child sleeping – hope everlasting in He who is able to bear every burden and heal every hurt in my heart.”  Yes, Jesus has healed every hurt in my heart – and continues to do so a little more each day!  He does bear our burdens and gives us a peace unlike anything in this world! 

Yes, it truly is a wonderful, powerful place – where there is faith…